Thursday, September 24, 2009

Finding Ms. Right

Based on his life and experiences, Jozen seems to think it's a breeze:

These guys, who complain about not finding a good woman, just aren’t trying hard enough. Too much talking not enough action. Women are everywhere, high and low, big cities and small towns, clubs and bookstores, outside and inside. Everywhere. Unfortunately, these guys, who say, “Man, where are all the good women at?” are probably screaming this question from their mother’s basement. They live in the same place where they grew up all their lives, and all the women they want have either left or aren’t interested anymore, because they already tried to get together in high school once and it didn’t work out.

These guys, who complain they can’t find a good woman, are lames. Yeah, I said it. Lames. Not because they can’t find a good woman, but because they can, and they have, but only have done so by lying to women about how they haven’t found any good ones. They’re lame because they want to place the blame on women as to why they aren’t in a relationship, when really it’s their own fault. Their problem is not being unable to find a good woman, their problem is finding too many good women - at the same time.

These guys need to stop sounding like these women who complain about how they can’t find a good man, because when push comes to shove, the women have a much stronger case. I have always said, there are a lot of women out there, no matter what type of woman a man likes. Asian, Black, Brown, White, it doesn’t matter, the world has more women than men, so by default, these guys shouldn’t have a problem. I’ve seen guys with one arm, one leg, one eye, walking down the street with women who have two arms, two legs, and two eyes. Half a guy with a whole woman.

These guys are just like me but want to act like they aren’t. In my lifetime, I have found good women by accident, and trust me, I’m no rock star, no athlete, no model, no Obama-like man of prestige. But I am a social animal, who has traveled the world, lived on both coasts and visited cities in between and in my travels, women have been as constant as the sky above.
I think Jozen makes a valid point. I, too, roll my eyes whenever I hear a man - any man, really - talk about there not being any good women out there, somewhere. And to a lesser extent (not so much professional black women), I feel the same when I hear the ladies say it too.

Whether you want to call it a blessing, luck or extremely elaborate deception, I've had the pleasure of keeping company with lots of high quality women since I graduated from high school. I even convinced the best of them (for me, of course) to marry me.

But it's possible that the complaint about not being able to find good men or women comes from another place. Maybe it's a little more personal, a little more narrow and harder to articulate than simply being unable to find your soulmate - or a mate, period - at Barnes & Noble, at yoga class or the Publix down the street.

Because if people are truly seeking a monogamous relationship, that’s where things get hard. Finding someone that can tolerate your flaws, is comfortable with their own, gets along with your family and friends, has the same interests, has a sense of purpose that's different from yours, gets your silly jokes, thinks about your best interests, isn’t disgusted by the sight of you outside of your clothes, gets down in the bedroom the way you like to get down, etc., … all that can be difficult.

The odds are against you, in fact. Not finding a good woman. But finding a good woman for YOU for the long term. And that's before we even start to throw in the baggage of race, religion, waist size, whatever.

Any fool can find himself some women. That's no great trick. Even Mark Sanford did it.

But what if you want more than that? What if you believe in soulmates and other fairy tales? Then you really might start to believe that there's no good women (or men) out there.

And to a certain extent, you might be right.


Shirl said...

I enjoyed reading a perspective on this from someone who comes from a very different place than me. Tried marriage twice. Didn't work. But definitely worth it. From #1, I learned about myself. From #2, I have two fine sons.

Probably not gonna be a #3.

You get older, you get more set in your ways...but, if you're lucky, you have good friends and independence works fine. Especially when you look around and see so many men close to your age group already looking for the proverbial "nurse or purse."

Feh. The last three men I dated were all younger than me.

Still, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have my moments of loneliness, self-doubt...and begin to wonder if maybe I should lower my standards.

And yet...there is no loneliness like the loneliness of being in a marriage/relationship with the Wrong Person...and knowing it. But I realize that some people stick it out because being alone scares them more...or it's a case of "the devil you know."

I wish you nothing but the best, my friend. You seem to have it all. And the older you get, the more perspective you gain...if you're willing to learn from your mistakes.

blackink said...

Aw, you're too kind Shirl.

And you know, I don't believe that anyone HAS to find Mr. or Ms. Right.

I think it's more than possible to find happiness in being single than in a relationship, even a good one. As always, it's all about preferences.

But no matter what, I don't think anyone should lower their standards. That sounds like the prescription for misery.

I'd rather sit in my house on weekends, in underwear, on the couch, watching football and have an open-ended schedule than deal with someone that was draining the life from me.

Thanks for dropping by, by the way.

avery said...

it ain't that easy. it depends on where you are, geographically, as well as habitualy and personally, and it might depend even more on _when_ you are.

Anonymous said...

my story: long, unhappy marriage, did some bad thing, husband did some bad things and married the last one.

i don't trust anyone and don't feel others should trust me. because i just won't give my all ever again.

i'm fine just with my kids, my work, my interests.

age and financial status has a lot to do with it, too. i feel anyone i got with now wouldmaybe be looking to me for support....and i'm done raising boys (who aren't my son) to be men.

i think you and mel have what it takes to last.

blackink said...

@Ave: No doubt. I totally agree with that. And I guess that's why I disagree with Jozen ... it's not as easy as he makes it sound. Like I say, finding someone to go to the movies with you is easy. But finding someone to make a movie with you ...

@Anon: Thanks for the kind words, "anon." I hope we do, too.

But yeah, your situation sorta highlights what i'm talking about. Finding "good" women or "good" men is far from a snap. Sure, there are plenty of "good" people out there.

But saying that anyone can find someone good is assuming that everyone is just an interchangeable part, just another puzzle piece. And to me, that just ain't true.