Conservative erotica

In the words of Hov, we don’t believe you. Ross Douthat, you need more people. From the archives of the New York Times’ newest columnist:

One successful foray ended on the guest bed of a high school friend's parents, with a girl who resembled a chunkier Reese Witherspoon drunkenly masticating my neck and cheeks. It had taken some time to reach this point--"Do most Harvard guys take so long to get what they want?" she had asked, pushing her tongue into my mouth. I wasn't sure what to say, but then I wasn't sure this was what I wanted. My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to. I was supposed to be excited, but I was bored and somewhat disgusted with myself, with her, with the whole business... and then whatever residual enthusiasm I felt for the venture dissipated, with shocking speed, as she nibbled at my ear and whispered--"You know, I'm on the pill..."

Just wow. Because if there's one thing a man hates to see during sex, it's breasts spilling out of clothing.

So, what’s more unbelievable: That Douthat lost, um, enthusiasm with a Reese Witherspoon look-alike “masticating” his neck and cheeks? Or that he was turned off because she actually took responsibility for her fertility?

And look, I’m the first to admit I’m no Baldwin or Wright or even an Albom, but what the hell does “My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to” mean? That sentence gave me tiredhead.

Anyway, I’m going to be as kind as possible and call that a classic episode of college bullshit. And if he’s not making this story up, he doesn’t come off all that well either.

Brad DeLong adds:

And, of course, there is the other point: here is a Reese Witherspoon look-alike who has offered Ross Douthat the extremely precious gift of wanting to make love to him, and he writes her into his book in this way with what look to be sufficient identifying details. You can write that paragraph in a way that is calculated to try to make her feel bad about herself should she ever read it; you can write that paragraph in a way that does not try to make her feel bad about herself should she ever read it; normal human sociability and empathy suggests that one should try to do the second; Ross Douthat chooses to do the first.

Sounds like Douthat might be the ideal replacement for Kristol after all.

P.S. I’m not necessarily a fan of Witherspoon. But let’s get real. Even Bokeem Woodbine wasn’t kicking her out of the hot tub (2:00).

P.S.S. Michael Tomasky doesn't have a problem with Douthat's sex life - or lack thereof. He just thinks that Douthat, at 29, is too young for the position. I don't necessarily agree with that. The Times is, in its own way, thinking out of the box by anointing Douthat, a blogger, as one of its columnists. I also believe strongly in rewarding talent. Seniority doesn't necessarily translate into skill or maturity.